[a note on the last 5 months]

[a note, fashionable]

yeah, no reason for the new-do. but i was listening to music at work (!) and decided that was it for the other one, for now. move on, that's how i've always been -- ha. aaand now i'm just picking up exactly how high-school of me it is to go the song-lyric route for yer blog title. o, credibility, why dost thou forsake me?

here's a thing: right now we at ryanland are undergoing a different sort of creativity. it's the kind that listens to the same songs, puts them to scenes, spends nights on photoshop, and Most Importantly: dreaming up careers as characters on a television series that's oh-so-close.

which reminds me: i gotta cash in a few of those poorly made promises i made way-back-when. it's so close i can feel it; only trouble is digging in, like, right now. we both know it's a horrible time to start writing good stories.

side-effect of reshaped creative expression: the photos -- which were "meh" to begin with -- now look like a third-page google search for "jeffrey" (try it!). so i played with them. not jeffrey; i'm taken. also: don't point and shoot and drive.

[a note on rocket men]

funny, it's elton john, feist, and neutral milk hotel that i'm waaay into right now, but it's coldplay that's getting all the play counts. oldskool coldplay, with the breakdowns. thought i'd pass that along.

and there's real news to report, like summer in kingston and grand ol' metaconcerts back home -- and there's probably more interest in that too -- but what's really on the mind are these four or five pilots that are five, ten, twenty years out. at the same time, time's all the same in fiction. (we'll stop and note that brilliant craft of a sentence some other time.) car salesmen, greek gods, a smallest town, executive producers, your english department, some epileptic déjà vu, and the List Goes On.

in a good ol' shout out to the titular piece, i've really lost touch with something something and all i want is television. come forth, o grand september!



here's a house i found. and kept.



eyes! or something.

[a rushed note on where the time goes]

i'm busy sailing to the moon right now, so i can't be bothered with pushing any stones up any hills right now. for the record, your honour, that's exactly what it feels like. the only thing that doesn't is watching the West Wing and opening/closing my secret secret diary.

no no no, you can't read it. no no no, you've never met it.

by golly, i saw radiohead last thursday and by golly, it was swell. objection: they can't be that cool without me and mine taking a swing at it. throw some more sticky phrases at this and where do we end up?

yes yes oh baby yes, i'm gonna start creating again. sharper this time. bigger, bolder; i'm gonna try to be mature, too. i'm going to write things and shoot them and fix them and yes yes oh baby yes i'm going to keep stealing. grander, deeper, with an intensity that wakes everyone up at five-thirty in the morning to get with you. seriously, let's all wake up early and bring the best, because it's been awhile since we've done that.

you'd better get on fast or there's never ever gonna be another chance for you.

colours! come forth!

[a note on the note-worthy]

this is obvious, everyone should know this: some moods just don't lend themselves to solid reflection. like in a blog. you know, stuff to chew on, like a meal. i had one of those moods last night, and most days before it. partly from the medicine, partly from the boredom, partly from the hbo-induced distractions. here's the thing, and it ought to mean more than it does: if you leave out those moods you miss a whole interchange, and who knows where that'll end up?

so this is my first meal in awhile, and i think it should include all the essentials. essentials like wavy introductions, a deep thought or two wrapped in details blessed details, some photos for the half-interested, maybe a memory or secret or something. if i had mentioned losing my wisdom teeth on tuesday or cleaning up in the backyard i could have everything done before the second full stop. instead we're already here. let's go.


plenty has happened since we last spoke, but what i have on camera is a trip to relatives'. it's not exciting at all but there's more than words here. always liked this house, don't know why.


what's wrong with this picture? he's not listening to Sunset Rubdown, the latest pickup. here's how you take a good picture: you listen to Sunset Rubdown and take a picture of yourself doing it. it works everytime, i think.


to pass the time, we played dress-up: dress-up like musicians! it's pretty much a band photo shoot to the max, except none of our hands are in our back pockets and we're on a deck not in front of a warehouse and there's no flying-v formation or anything and we don't have enough hair in front of our faces and speaking of faces i think i might actually have something of an expression on mine. so yeah, not a band photo. plus we're not a band.


and this is a dog. yay.

i love how this was far from the triumphant return to posting i imagined it could be. i mean, i listened to coldplay right through the whole job. (job! i have one.) and there's nothing brilliant about this at all, which is what i strive for. hanging preposition. here's what i'll do: insert soft-glow keyboard shot, end with a quote i couldn't have written because it's just-so-perfect, and wait for the tears, the gasps, the comments.

lashings.



"it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light. we're one, but we're not the same, we get to carry each other..."

like that. just like that.

[a note on, i dunno, dinosaurs]

this time, the web site recommendation is a blast. from the past. i know it's cheap and a bit distancing to throw the links at you over and over again. but i promise: dinosaur comics are well-worth-it-jack. i also recommend going right back to the start and checking every single one out. yay.

so putting on the poker face here, i'll basically let this post slip into place uncontested. don't have pictures, because i'm awfully busy these days -- who has time for school or work or people when frickin' television is so...there? don't have grand ideas 'cause i'm fresh out of heart problems. don't have reminisces 'cause i shelved 'em.

what i do have in this final block of text is a guess: lookin' like this is the last first-year-dribble, i can bet the next months as a bluff on all this working out reasonably well. what i mean is: let's see how well Charlie juggles in freefall. in closing i quote (for the audience): "let's get together, have a get together."

[a note on headphones]

right now i'm listening to music through headphones, because i started doing that. i don't know why -- intimate? anyhow i figured that was a nice, neat literalization of...not How I'm Feeling but...What I'm Thinking. About.

plus i can stay up later and not get blasted for blasting music. and there's only a week left of this class-thing, and i'm still keen on the documentary-making dream. anybody else want to come make movies with me somewhere...else? europe, i want to go to europe.

so andy (!) came up weekend past and we spent some good, quality, brotherly time together. or something. i was the unofficial tour guide to his kingston expedition. and that was fun and we foto'd a little bit. he's got that sweet rebel, i tell ya, and i'm a little jealous. maybe he'll get his act together and send me the pictures i took on it. speaking of:


nothing like hitting the town on a friday night with lil' brudder. you know, 'hitting the town': wal-mart, pizza hut, scrubs. related: somehow, he got the front seat?


we also went bowling. i like bowling. unrelated: this is all to Moulin Rouge! songs. for better or worse.


i didn't take a picture of the scoreboard but trust me i bowled, well, well.


and then today jackie bought me a pita and we went to the lake to...take pictures. or something. (i make it sound like i'm telling my mom about my First Day of School.)


"oh, this could have been real good." maybe that's what i should title, i dunno, my autobiography or something. that will be a good read, let me tell ya. should i give high school one chapter or two?


and then we ran into some razor. wire. and guess what? documented.


uh. yeah. (pick yer melody: i choose 'white collar boy' by belle & sebastian.)

what's your pick?

[a note on demons, or something]

hey everybody. hey everybody!

i just got out of a screening of Block Entertainment that, needless to say, sent me back a year or two. the good way...it was fun. props to the crew.

it's actually a bit shocking, looking at how long i've neglected this poor little child of mine. i have no qualms blaming the whole thing on school work, but i should add that i haven't done enough of that work either. so it's a lose-lose, except that it's spring -- and that means i'm playing happy (this year). it's that point where i think i've worked out all the demons/kinks i made myself for the winter months. maybe i'll run away and make some art in another country. i'd like to do that...or make documentaries: i love them now.

not much to share detail-wise, because there are so many brand new details that they all cancel each other out in a brilliant spectacle of detail combat. oh, and i'm watching Band of Brothers right now...good stuff that is. (speaking of media, i've decided to screw it all and listen to music i like, because that makes the most sense now. bring on the Dance, Dance.) bring on the photo-montage, this time with voice-over narration!


this has been me, my room, and my head for the last little While. and it's not all about colonialism in India, but it is all about *isms.


got my guitar fixed so i can properly pull it out and strum along with the last thirty seconds of any dashboard song i feel like. mostly it just keeps me company, it a very not-nerdy way. mostly the ridiculously-cool way.


oh yeah. my 20gb ipod from 13 months ago died during reading week, so i sucked it up (it was hard) and bought a 60gb video...upgrade. it's prettier than i am. this is its home.


remember these? i didn't.


guess'd it was time for a self-portrait here. this one is, hm. a bird's-eye of what i look like when i work, probably taken when i should have been working but wasn't. sufficiently ironic.


out of the dozen or so pictures of that breakfast we did that day at that place, this one i kinda like. hope she doesn't mind too much. protocol.


last/least: it was foggy some day recently, though i can't remember what it was like (sun sun sun forever these days, maybe that's why i'm so typey). wasn't this haunting, but it should've been.

this is what it feels like to be in love with a stick figure girl.

the end.

[a note on poetics]

first of all, please go here and read this poem. i think i've championed it before, but it's certainly worthwhile. it makes me love again. thank you for your time.

secondly, i think i'd like to go poetic myself again, if only for a little while. caught up in these overly academic processes is not where i want to be, and i'm not feeling fruitful. i should be. so, here's my plan of action: more of this, more photo-excursions, more musical doodlings, and the like. what's more, i'd like to sprinkle some verses across the month, and maybe enjoy that bit again. it's been awhile since i went open like that, no? (he means poetry. he'd like to write poems again.)

and while we're here, let's tackle the heart. there's nothing like medical problems to ruin your emotional situation with a streak of irony. and it's got me loving the loving, which is not my thing. (note, this is not a happy-got-your-gun pleasantry of the universe or nirvana or anything so puzzlingly simple -- it's forced appreciation. mmm.) this means one of two things: either i've got to find myself a girl, or i've somehow de-emphasized the importance of said strumpet. guess which one i'm hoping for! (it's exactly what you think.)

and finally, a note on the continuing photo-montage i've got going here. i like taking pictures, and they're easier to post than movies, so that's what i've got. for the most part, i don't consider them good, but do post them for specific reasons -- it's the same principle i use in writing blogs and such, a slow and precise unraveling of whatever i find intriguing enough. for the record, i like the pictures i find elsewhere much more. (he especially enjoys the ones linked here, and watches for new posts daily.)


"i'll get married to a better half."


"one of these things is not like the others."


excited?

[a note on others]

felt alone today. so i ate more junk food than i should have, tried to balance it out by downing bottles of water. i have a feeling it doesn't work; i think i have heart troubles.

i want to apologize for dropping this for over a week: it wasn't my intention, i think i just didn't know how to complete sentences. and, what's more, someone reinvented school work, which was not a happy moment for me. on the bright side, i engaged friday, and had a nice six-hour moment of satisfaction.

now, though, it's back to the general theme of the year. i think the sentence that puts it best is one that comes out wrong every time: i don't belong here. yeah, i think that's doomed to misinterpretation, and i apologize. not a "i've made a huge mistake" reincarnation, but a real questioning of the usefulness of what i'm into right now. point is, i'm not a fan of me vs. everybody else in this particular setting. before, i could handle people; now, it feels like work.

what i think i'm driving at is a different kind of separation than before. now the isolating characteristics are a completely new Set, and it'll take me some time to ground them. until then, i think i'll stick to aiming for something like what i'm used to: mostly, that means ignoring what's in front of me. that i can handle.

*i've decided to liven up the place with some fancy bookends and throw pillows and area rugs. by that, i mean i think i'll close every note with a photo or two -- hopefully it's photos i've taken, because i'd like to try to be better at that. but i'm not promising anything. for now, let's try everything tinted the same way.


mmm corporation.


self-portraits are hard.


keep lookin'.